Wednesday, 10 September 2008

Opinions wanted. Constructive critism welcome.

I'm in the middle of writing a short story for the 'Writers of the Future Contest' and decided to put the opening of the story on my blog. I'd love any comments - positive, negative, constructive - I just want to know how the opening will be received and if it would compell people to read on.

The story is called 'Gemstones' and is fantasy in genre.

Anyway, without further ado (or at least prattle) here's the opening...

*******

Keep running…don’t look back…just run. She could feel the adrenaline pulsing through her system, pushing her on despite the intense burning in her chest and limbs. The darkness was suffocating; she could barely see her own feet as they thudded across the ground, let alone anything else. Her foot stubbed something; she pitched forward and crashed to the ground. Turning over, she glared accusingly at the tree that had seen fit to throw its root out to trip her.

As the young woman lay there with her heart thundering painfully loud in her ears, a snarl alerted her to the presence of her pursuer. With panicked gasps she scrambled backwards, tears welling in wide eyes - threatening to fall down a too pale face.

It was the blood-red eyes she saw first, gleaming like rubies in the moonlight.

“You can't run from me.” The beast snarled, droplets of saliva running down its chin. “Your heart is mine!”

As it spoke, the beast extended a gnarled hand and very slowly and deliberately curled its taloned fingers into a fist. The young woman clutched at her chest, squeezing her eyes shut at the sharp cutting pain that suddenly ailed her. The creature skulked forward and plunged its hand into her chest, searching until it found what it was looking for before applying pressure to the vital organ. Her eyes went wide, a strangled gurgle escaping her lips. Her last sight before her eyes glazed over was of the beast’s hand emerging from her chest, clutching her still beating heart.

The beast began to drool at the sight and took a deep breath, savouring the moist warmth against its cold flesh. The sound of someone clapping echoed around the quiet copse, the beast spun round spotting a dark figure secluded in the shadows…watching. The figure stepped into the moonlight to reveal a tall man with dark hair, greying at the temples. He had coal-like eyes and was dressed from head to toe in black.

“Who are you?” growled the beast, narrowing its eyes in suspicion.

“I am Garentax.” A voice even deeper than the beast's replied. “I'm a collector of sorts and you, I think, will fit quite nicely into my collection.” An evil grin spread across Garentax's face, he raised one hand, fingers splayed pointing towards the beast.

A beam of intense red light shot out from Garentax's hand, enveloping the beast, before it disappeared from view. The man stood proudly, a wry grin plastered across his face, and in his hand he held a red gemstone. On closer inspection, something could be seen moving within the stone, for the beast was now trapped within it.

"Yes, a fine addition to my collection..."