The story is called 'Gemstones' and is fantasy in genre.
Anyway, without further ado (or at least prattle) here's the opening...
Keep running…don’t look back…just run. She could feel the adrenaline pulsing through her system, pushing her on despite the intense burning in her chest and limbs. The darkness was suffocating; she could barely see her own feet as they thudded across the ground, let alone anything else. Her foot stubbed something; she pitched forward and crashed to the ground. Turning over, she glared accusingly at the tree that had seen fit to throw its root out to trip her.
As the young woman lay there with her heart thundering painfully loud in her ears, a snarl alerted her to the presence of her pursuer. With panicked gasps she scrambled backwards, tears welling in wide eyes - threatening to fall down a too pale face.
It was the blood-red eyes she saw first, gleaming like rubies in the moonlight.
“You can't run from me.” The beast snarled, droplets of saliva running down its chin. “Your heart is mine!”
As it spoke, the beast extended a gnarled hand and very slowly and deliberately curled its taloned fingers into a fist. The young woman clutched at her chest, squeezing her eyes shut at the sharp cutting pain that suddenly ailed her. The creature skulked forward and plunged its hand into her chest, searching until it found what it was looking for before applying pressure to the vital organ. Her eyes went wide, a strangled gurgle escaping her lips. Her last sight before her eyes glazed over was of the beast’s hand emerging from her chest, clutching her still beating heart.
The beast began to drool at the sight and took a deep breath, savouring the moist warmth against its cold flesh. The sound of someone clapping echoed around the quiet copse, the beast spun round spotting a dark figure secluded in the shadows…watching. The figure stepped into the moonlight to reveal a tall man with dark hair, greying at the temples. He had coal-like eyes and was dressed from head to toe in black.
“Who are you?” growled the beast, narrowing its eyes in suspicion.
“I am Garentax.” A voice even deeper than the beast's replied. “I'm a collector of sorts and you, I think, will fit quite nicely into my collection.” An evil grin spread across Garentax's face, he raised one hand, fingers splayed pointing towards the beast.
A beam of intense red light shot out from Garentax's hand, enveloping the beast, before it disappeared from view. The man stood proudly, a wry grin plastered across his face, and in his hand he held a red gemstone. On closer inspection, something could be seen moving within the stone, for the beast was now trapped within it.
"Yes, a fine addition to my collection..."
3 comments:
Michelle,
An excellent opening, great atmosphere and very pacey. The rest of your story has a lot to live up to!
One pointer: you may want to revise the last sentence in the 2nd paragrath...'- threatening to fall down a too pale face.' Maybe omit 'too.'
Love it, though; very imaginative.
If you want a nosey at my blog, here's the link:
http://colburysnewcrimefiction.blogspot.com/
Thanks Col b. I do hope the rest of the story lives up to it (as soon as I finish it.)
I'll keep that in mind for the redraft, I'm not rereading it myself at the moment because I'm liable to start editing every little thing and never actually get to the ending - even though it's all in my head and outlined.
Thank you again for the comments.
I'll be sure to check your blog out when I'm not doing nearly as many things.
Hi, the opening gripped me but then you moved into the beast's POV and it threw me a little bit.
Maybe have the beast's POV from the beginning? Running and salivating after the screaming woman? Didn’t like *eyes glazed over* this seems to conjure up boredom nowadays.
Sorry, forgot where I was for a moment. Thought I was on YWO!! Lol
Sounds like a very bloody read to me. I love a good horror story. Good luck with it!
Louise.
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